The Continuing Adventures of Chazz Fredricks, (really) early draft

Scene II

Curtain (or, um, camera) rises on an austere, ornate study. It looks as though the room is usually very orderly, but it currently appears as though it has recently been (slightly) trashed. Piles of books are strewn around the room. In the back left corner, a poorly constructed suit of Bigfoot stands, nearly 6 feet in height. The head appears to be robotic, and the rest of the suit has been stuffed. One could mistake the suit for an anamotronic robot in the style of the Old Time-y Country Bears attraction at Disneyland. In the right corner, a towering shrine rests in the shadows. It is barely visible to the audience. Between the two, a large, Mohogany desk. Above the desk, on the wall, sit a handful of framed documents. Near the Bigfoot, two sturdy-looking doors. They open outward, towards offstage. This side represents the hallway. On the side with the altar, there is one small door. In the front of the study, near the audience, CHAZZ and FELICITY stand, staring intensely at one another.

There is a 5-10 second pause. Little movement. Then:

FELICITY: Why did you do that?

CHAZZ: boldlyI WANTED TO!
CHAZZ begins to dart, like a viper, towards FELICITY.

FELICITY: Don't even! Don't fucking even! I can't believe this.

CHAZZ: What's so hard to believe, Felicity? I SAW him. I almost had him. I almost had him in my grasps, you know.

FELICITY: What, you almost had a freakish, anamotronic Bigfoot carcass? Well -- you do have it, now! And don't change the subject!

CHAZZ: It was no robot! I saw the evil glare in his eyes!

FELICITY: You realize that kid with Down Syndrome was lying to you, right?

CHAZZ: Actually, robots would have evil glares in their eyes, too.

FELICITY: Are you listening to me?

CHAZZ (sharply): Why would I be?

FELICITY (ignoring the last comment): Just tell me, Dad, why are you still obsessed with this Bigfoot? I mean, spending time in jail for firing that shotgun on a federal wildlife preserve didn't set you straight?

CHAZZ is silent. He stares at FELICITY. Three heartbeats worth of stillness

FELICITY: You should still be in jail, too! I can't believe how light your sentence was! You hired those smelly rednecks, and you nearly killed a park ranger. Not to mention that kid with Down Syndrome we'd never met before you punched him in the face. On the steps of the courthouse, no less!

Another beat. CHAZZ turns and looks at his Bigfoot replica.

FELICITY: I'm hungry, Dad.

Another beat. Bigfoot moves very slightly. CHAZZ does not obviously react.

FELICITY (sotto voce): What a cretin.

CHAZZ (quietly, but with much enthusiasm): Did you see that?

FELICITY: See what, you jackass?

CHAZZ (assuredly): Bigfoot. He - he moved. I saw it.

FELICITY: How could that damn thing move? I mean, just tell me how that robot you knifed at Knott's Berry Farm could move.

CHAZZ: It wasn't a robot, actually. It was a suit. Some punk kid was inside it.

FELICITY: Wait - you stabbed a kid?

CHAZZ: No - no. No, it was magic.

FELICITY: Wait - you STABBED some kid?

CHAZZ: Listen. It wasn't a kid. When I stabbed it, I saw it change. That... that beast shrank back inhumanly. He moved so quickly, so gracefully... it was beautiful, FELICITY, it was moving poetry! No human could move like that. Also -- those howls, those shrieks were like nothing I had ever heard. They were... they were scary. Scary noises. (pause). Bigfoot noises, the lore reports, are scary. I stabbed Bigfoot! He must have... have shaved himself. And stapled -

FELICITY: Bigfoot doesn't know how to staple things. In none of the lore does Bigfoot carry a stapler.

CHAZZ: THE LORE IS WRONG! It must be! (Emphatically) He must have stapled his hide to that kid.

FELICITY: How many times did you stab, uh, "Bigfoot"?

CHAZZ: I don't know, baby. I'm too cool for numbers.

FELICITY: So - you can't count?

CHAZZ: If I could count, would I have offered those rednecks billions of dollars to help me kill Bigfoot?

FELICITY: Good point.

CHAZZ: But I didn't stab that kid - the one they found in the hog pen the next day. No way.

FELICITY: How did you get away from the Knott's security team?

CHAZZ: Oh, that wasn't too hard. Snoopy is easy to bribe.

FELICITY: But Charlie Brown is so honest.

CHAZZ: Charlie Brown is a believer. He is. Just look -- look at that kite eating tree. It must have gotten a meal of Bigfoot at some point in it's existence.

FELICITY: I thought it only eats kites.

CHAZZ: Well - it only eats kites because it's so full of Bigfoot. It --

FELICITY: Touche - one more --

CHAZZ: But - yeah. I did smuggle the carcass out of there.

FELICITY: That wasn't what I was going to ask - anyway, the entertainers aren’t the --

CHAZZ: You should have. It's a good story.

FELICITY: Really?

CHAZZ: No.

pause.

Also, that kid - the one with Down Syndrome - well. He doesn't have it.

FELICITY: Have what?

CHAZZ: Down Syndrome.

FELICITY: God, really? He’s so ugly, though!

CHAZZ: He’s crafty, is what he is.

FELICITY: I mean, look at this altar you built. His pictures are all over it. I think there’s one where he’s in a swimsuit.

CHAZZ: I built an altar?

FELICITY: Yeah, Dad. I helped you build it.

CHAZZ: Why would you do that?

FELICITY: You promised to buy me an airplane if I helped you. I haven't gotten it yet, by the way.

CHAZZ: Deal’s off! Anyway, is it legal for women to fly airplanes?

FELICITY: Uh - yeah, Dad. Don't you remember sending me to piloting school?

CHAZZ: I only did that because I thought you were a boy until earlier today. (pause)
When I broke into your bathroom.

FELICITY: When I was taking a shower.

CHAZZ: Yeah. When you were taking a shower.

FELICITY: Anyway - wait, you're lying about that. I know it. You framed my birth certificate - it's hanging, right on your wall. You look right at it when you're sitting at your desk!

CHAZZ saunters over to his wall and gently picks FELICITY's birth certificate off the wall. He examines it closely, squinting at it. Soon, a frustrated look consumes his face. Slightly grudgingly, he reaches into the left drawer of his desk and pulls out a magnifying glass. He examines the certificate again. The frustration drains from his face.

CHAZZ (triumpantly): It says right here - you're a boy!

FELICITY (leaning over CHAZZ to examine the document): Mom wrote that.

CHAZZ: Hogwash! I did no such thing.

FELICITY: I didn't say you wrote it. Mom wrote it. In purple crayon.

CHAZZ: Hospitals have crayons in them. Doctors have crayons.

FELICITY: Dad - Mom wrote it.

CHAZZ: She was a doctor.

FELICITY: No - she was a stripper. At a Bigfoot-themed strip club. You met her during one of your Bigfoot hunts.

CHAZZ: There weren't any Bigfoots there - I demanded that your Mom - you know, her maiden name was Bozangas - I ordered that woman: "give me a refund, foul wench..." - well, you know the story... but... I remember so clearly how your Mom always called herself Dr. Bozongas!

FELICITY: (calmly, but with malice) No, you called her Dr. Bazongas no matter how many times she told you otherwise. I remember family dinners back then. She used to pick at her food, smoking her cigarettes. You told your business partners all sorts of things about her. She'd always say - very gently, too - "Honey, sweetie, CHAZZ: stop telling your friends those silly things! I was just dressed as a nurse when you met me!" Her name was Nancy West, not Sunrise Bazongas.

CHAZZ: Sunrise Bozongas! That was her name - that's how you got your name, even, Mrs. FELICITY Fredrik-Bazongas!

FELICITY: I’m married now, Dad. You never listen to me. Didn't you ever listen to her? Her medical degree was obviously fake (glances at the document-papered wall) - wait, is that it? You framed it?

CHAZZ: You have to stop telling me there isn't a doctorate program at Hardfistamee University - I won't believe it.

FELICITY: (exhausted, quick, desperate incredulity) There’s a doctorate program there - (with emphasis) there's not a THERE, there, Dad. It isn't a real university. Or a word, for that matter.

CHAZZ: Native Amercans think it's a word. And Native Americans believe in Bigfoot.

FELICITY: Native Americans don't think it's a word.

CHAZZ: I am sure Native Americans think it's a word. I employ one who thinks it's a word.

FELICITY: Yeah, I remember meeting him. You called Sisters of the Woeful Countenance during my senior year and told them my mother had died.

CHAZZ: Well, that wasn't a lie at all!

FELICITY: Yeah, but she died when I was, like, 8.

CHAZZ: She died doing what she loved. She died doctoring the sick.

FELICITY: No - I don't want to talk about this right --

CHAZZ: Doctoring my cock!

FELICITY: Let's not talk about it.

CHAZZ: Taking samples of my semen!

FELICITY: You're proud of killing Mom, aren’t you?

CHAZZ: I know the viscosity of my juice - I still am glad to know it! It was a shame that your mother died of it - I cry about it every time I think of her - but I am not going to pretend that I am not proud of the semen that killed her. It is wonderful, glorious stuff. Still - maybe the thickness is why I still only have one child. Which is you, my sweet, wonderful son.

FELICITY: "My sweet, wonderful daughter," you mean.

CHAZZ: Whatever.

FELICITY: You took me out of school so you could take me to see a "shaman," back then.

CHAZZ: Yes - the enigmatic Harry The Big Chief Running Creek Von Baron. His aide in my quest for Bigfoot has been indispensable!

FELICITY: You throw bottles of wine at him all the time.

CHAZZ: To start the Fire Dance! To start the Fire Dance! The Fire Dance is Bigfoot's favorite dance!

FELICITY: After you left to give that scientific lecture, he told me you paid him $70 bucks to tell me "Bazongas" was an authentic Native American name - but he couldn't do it.

pause.

CHAZZ (absentmindedly): So when is that gay lover of yours coming over?

FELICITY: My husband should be here soon.

CHAZZ: Oh. Right - you're a girl. Wait - Harry The Big Chief Running Creek Von Baron told you I paid him to say that?

FELICITY: Uh - yeah.

CHAZZ: That... that Judas! That Irish Catholic bastard! I -- I don't believe it. (presses the intercom on his desk). Julie? Julie? Could you draft a letter to the Pope for me? Yes - I want the text to read "Your Excellent Pope-ery: For many years, I have supported your Church with my vast fortune - but until you ex-communicate Harry The Big Chief Running Creek Von Baron, I regretfully must suspend my donations. Faithfully Yours, CHAZZ. And Julie? Make sure to dot all the i's with hearts this time! (lifts his fingers from the intercom).

Julie (just her voice): Yes, sir. Also - Jake's car has just pulled up to the security fence. Do you want me to send DiCarlo to throw talc on it again?

CHAZZ presses the button, but before he can speak, FELICITY starts.

FELICITY: Hey, Julie - no, don't bother doing that. He just got the car waxed after his last visit.

CHAZZ starts, but Julie shoots him a look. He steps back, with the look and manner of a wounded puppy. As he steps back, his finger rises from the intercom. FELICITY expresses boastful triumph. Silence for 3 seconds. CHAZZ steps towards FELICITY slowly and cautiously. FELICITY's triumphant manner quickly dissolves into weary affection for CHAZZ. Despite all his eccentricities, despite his singular, Ahab-esque monomania regarding Bigfoot, CHAZZ has been fundamentally good to her for her entire life. Neither person moves for half a second.

FELICITY steps towards her father with her arms extended, cautiously. CHAZZ’s face contorts with joy. They hug.

FELICITY (still hugging CHAZZ): Oh, Dad. You’re a good person - you’re a good person. You were so happy at my wedding!

CHAZZ (while ending the hug): I was so proud of you, baby. I can’t believe you sweet-talked that judge into that day-release, even after he learned that I had been sending threatening letters and gay porn to that Bigfoot kid.

FELICITY: I wish you hadn’t invited those rednecks, though.

CHAZZ: But they’re my friends!

FELICITY: I know - I know. The cops didn’t like it much when you offered to pay them $500,000 to beat up the Bigfoot kid, though.

CHAZZ: Those cops had to have been Cambodians. They couldn’t understand my harsh Northeastern accent.

FELICITY: Um - I went to school with one of them, remember? Her name was Rachel - she was going to inherit the Buddenbrook fortune until her dad disowned her.

CHAZZ: Oh - I remember her, now. She’s rad.

FELICITY: She is rad. And you don't have a Northeastern accent.

FELICITY hugs her father again. While they embrace, Jake enters the room from the hallway.

Jake: Sweetie!

FELICITY (quickly releasing CHAZZ to rush over to Jake. FELICITY jumps into his arms; Jake cradles her in his arms): Jakey-Boy! How did you get into the study so easily?

CHAZZ (his features hard, his manner obviously upset): That is something I would like to know. (he presses the intercom) Julie? Did you forget to release the dogs again?

Jake (genuinely - he must be disregarding CHAZZ's previous comment): Mr. Fredrick, always a pleasure to be in your company.

He bows, putting down FELICITY while honoring CHAZZ in one elegant motion.

CHAZZ (no longer upset): Why, I had forgotten! It really is such a pleasure to be near me, isn’t it? I am still fabulously wealthy, still monstrously handsome, and I’m so close to achieving my boyhood dream of capturing my own Bigfoot, aren’t I?

FELICITY: So - where do you want to go to dinner, Dad?

CHAZZ: Oh, I don’t know - (knowingly) Knott’s Berry Farm?

Jake: Sounds good to me. They got fried chicken.

FELICITY: But - oh, hell. Okay, Dad.

The three leave the study. Mumbling heard - CHAZZ and Jake are talking. Then, louder:

Jake (Offstage): FELICITY, you never told me your mom was a doctor!

Curtain (or - again - Camera).